Heavy Heart

It has been awhile since my last post and I apologize for my lack of posts during the month of December. We love Christmas time and this month is supposed to be so exciting! Our anniversary, Christmas (birth of our Savior), my birthday, and New Years! In the midst of such a wonderful month, our family has had really busy month that has been hard on all of us both emotionally and physically. I contemplated even posting about it but then realized that I had to write about it. Sometimes writing about things helps make you feel better having it off your chest. So here we go...

A few days before Thanksgiving, we found out that I was pregnant! We were singing God's praises with joy as we were thrilled! We were trying but not really in hopes that it was in God's plan for us this year. We revealed the news to our parents on Thanksgiving by Baker wearing a "Big Brother" shirt that I made. Neither one of our families noticed it without prompting but were obviously excited about the news. We decided to keep the rest of the world under wraps and not say anything which was unusual since we told the entire world before we had our 1st appointment when I was pregnant with Baker. Intuition? Maybe... We had my first OB appointment (9 weeks) scheduled for December 19th at 8:30AM and so then we waited.

Days and weeks went by where I didn't really have any bad pregnancy symptoms like nausea or vomiting. Of course only one time did I actually feel sick when I was pregnant with Baker so this feeling of being tired and pretty normal was routine for me. One Saturday (I don't recall which one) I had a dull ache in my stomach. I Googled it online and they said sometimes you can feel an ache in your stomach early on in pregnancy and it isn't really anything to be concerned about. Since it went away after that day and never returned, I never thought anything about it.

The day finally arrived. We were going to a new OB doctor that I'd never been to but was excited to see the office and meet the people who I'd soon become close to seeing them all the time during my visits just as I did in Utah at the Circle of Life. We had to wait in the waiting room for a bit and I just had this unsettling, nervous feeling and I just wasn't sure why. We were quickly called back and immediately went to the ultrasound room with the tech since she was available first. This process seemed a little backwards to me. As I was used to doing the regular weigh, blood pressure, pee in a cup, then go to the room, and get the ultrasound which I got used to my doctor doing herself. I quickly found out things in Utah at my other doctor's office were done much different than they are done here and that's just fine. I'm just a creature of habit and routine so no biggie. We went back and I got ready for the ultrasound. We had the usual small talk and then she let me change and get ready for the ultrasound. Gordie sat on the couch until the tech came back in and then stood by my side just as he always did. The tech then got ready and we were ready to see what the ultrasound had to show. Well, I'm not so sure we were ever prepared enough to see what we saw on the screen that cold December morning. The tech moved the scope around and we all saw the gestational sac but there was nothing in it. Where was the baby? The tech seemed very upset but she wouldn't say anything. Gordie and I just looked at each other in confusion. We knew something was up and that this was not normal but what was going on? How could this happen to us? She measured the sac and looked over at my ovaries and quickly scanned a few other areas and then said we would need to see "Amy". We weren't sure who the heck Amy was and were both too confused to even mutter the words to ask who she was and why we'd be seeing her. We were quickly ushered to another waiting room where Gordie looked up on his phone the possibilities of what it was that we saw or didn't see on the ultrasound. I then started feeling that pit in the bottom of my stomach again.

We were then ushered to another room across the office where the nurse kept talking to us about this pregnancy. "Aren't you guys excited?" "Is this your first?" Are these appropriate questions to ask a couple that quite possibly could have hit the hardest road block of their life? Was she just ignorant and didn't look at our chart to see why we were here to see "Amy"? It was hard to fight back the tears. I wanted to just scream at that nurse to shut up and stop talking but we remained calm. The whole time is really just a blur but then we heard a knock on the door and Dr. Lambert walked in. She wasn't my doctor that I was scheduled to see but she was the person that looked at my ultrasound pictures. Her face said it all the minute she walked in. No words had to be said as seeing her face I knew we were about to be delivered the most heart wrenching news. We lost the baby -- I suffered a miscarriage. A miscarriage? I repeated it back to her. I was in complete shock and thinking how could this happen to me? I was so healthy, ate everything I should, took my prenatal vitamins, and did everything I should have done to have a healthy baby at this point. She said I was measuring 9 weeks and that there was just no signs of a visible heartbeat or baby in the gestational sac. I completely lost it and can only thank Gordie for being my rock when I fell apart. He asked all the questions that I couldn't get the words out of my mouth to ask. There was nothing that I did or could have done to prevent this from happening. It was just something that happened and happens to many women and we just might not know because they don't talk about it. She called it a "blighted ovum". After researching online, I was able to stomach what a blighted ovum really entails. Typically it is a chromosome abnormality where there are 3 of a specific chromosome and for the pregnancy to continue in which there can only be 2 so pretty much your body stops the formation of the baby usually early in the first trimester. Our bodies are pretty amazing to realize that there is something wrong. Looking back, I think I really took for granted having such a healthy pregnancy and baby our first go round. Having this miscarriage really has opened my eyes and made me realize just how precious life really is and how much we should cherish healthy pregnancies and babies when they are born and embrace those in prayers that have challenged pregnancies or deliveries.

I spent the entire day on Monday crying until I could feel my eyes "beating" and my head hurt so bad from the pressure of blowing my nose and sniffing. Gordie was able to spend the morning with me and then my mom came over and spent the day with me and took me to lunch. It was just what I needed to try and get my mind off of things. I tried to nap that afternoon but couldn't shut my brain off. I never knew it was possible to cry so much. I was angry, sad, frustrated, confused, and feeling alone. I had Gordie, our parents, family, and God on my side but I still felt so alone. It wasn't any thought in the back of my mind that this could ever happen to me. Nothing on earth could have prepared us for what we would have to go through the rest of the week. I had the worst cramps I've ever experienced in my life coupled with the anticipation of having a surgery that Friday 12/23 that I didn't want or know how to prepare myself for.

My surgery day arrived...I was so nervous in not knownig what to expect. I'd never had general anesthesia as I've only been put under for dental procedures (wisdom teeth & gum grafting) so I wasn't sure how I'd feel or what I'd feel like after. Here's 2 pictures we took to document our heartbreaking journey. I didn't want to smile but Gordie reminded me that I needed to be strong and show my strength with a smile no matter how much I just wanted to cry.

Surgery went well all things considered. I didn't have too much unwanted pain but I did go a few days after surgery feeling pretty yucky. I finished my round of antibiotics and am almost back to normal. I have my moments when I still get upset out of no where but I think that is pretty normal. I have my 3-4 week post op check up in mid January so I'll find out then how well I am doing after surgery. We definitely wish I didn't have to go through this but one thing we all know is that God doesn't put you through something you can't handle. For some reason, He needed me to go through this and I'm sure one day I will understand. Now onto waiting for the bill for this surgery, another reminder of how much it really sucked to have to go through this. However, this too shall pass and hopefully 2012 will bring us a better year!

Here's a song that helped comfort me during these hard times...I just love the words.